Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?

“There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction." - John F. Kennedy

"Action expresses priorities." - Mahatma Gandhi

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide, domestic violence and nuclear war. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 7 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years

And the slow parade of fears without crying

Now I want to understand - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

I'm sitting in my therapist's office. The room is silent except for the ticking of the clock on the wall.

"Something is on your mind", he said studying me carefully, "I'm ready when you are."

"Two things are on my mind", I replied, "The first is an old story about belling the cat."

"I'm not familiar with that story", he said, "But I would love to hear it."

"It goes like this", I began. 

"A group of mice were arguing in a mouse hole one day about a cat that had been terrorizing them. With every passing day, the cat would sneak up on one of them without warning and would make off with the unsuspecting victim. The mice were now tired of this and were arguing about what to do about the villain."

"Many ideas were discussed, hotly debated and discarded. Finally, one mouse suggested that if they put a bell on the cat’s neck, then their nemeisis would no longer be able to creep up on them unawares."

"Recognizing the brilliance of the solution, the mice spent considerable time congratulating themselves on how they had solved the problem. When the cacaphony of their celebration subsided, their expressions of self-congratulations were interrupted by a lone voice in the back of the mouse hole."

"'The solution may be brilliant', observed a wise old mouse, 'but who will bell the cat?'"

"Silence filled the mouse hole and eventually the mice went about their business, realizing that there is a big difference between being full of ideas and having the courage to carry them out."

As I completed the story, I took a breath but said nothing.

"Wow", my therapist said, "That's a powerful story. Why is it on your mind?"

"I'm not sure", I replied, "But it may have something to do with this persistent dream I've been having for a couple of weeks."

"Please go on", he urged gently.

"Well", I began, "In my dream, someone ..."

I gestured air quotes around "someone" and paused,

"Someone", I repeated, "Keeps visiting me and insisting that I need to learn something from them, but I'm not sure what that something is."

"Is that all?" he asked.

"No", I replied, hesitating, "Before they tell me that I need to listen, they make a point of showing me some of the things that I have worked on over the years. When they have done that, they tell me that I need to pay attention to the lesson that follows. However, I never remember the lesson, and often I wake up with a start as the dream concludes."

I have done all that I could

To see the evil and the good without hiding

You must help me if you can - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"Can you tell me about some of the things that they highlight?" he asked.

"I guess", I replied, "It's a mixed bag of stuff. There was a project where I was helping a client determine the mortality rate of low yield nuclear weapons for major cities in North America. It's pretty complicated when you have family that becomes a statistic in the model that you are working on."

"Excuse me?" he interrupted, "You were doing what?"

I ignored the question and continued. 

"Then there were other projects where we helped clients prevent bad events from happening in North America and Europe. I can't really discuss this in detail, but one of my client's favorite tools to motivate us was to send us gruesome pictures of what could happen if we were not successful in a timely fashion."

My therapist stared at me but remained silent.

"How many photos of dead and mutilated bodies have you looked at recently?" I asked nonchalantly. 

He shook his head.

"Then there are the projects that I've been involved in around domestic violence", I said, "Helping victims of emotional, physical and financial abuse get out from underneath the people who hurt them."

"I don't want to get into the details of that either", I said, after a brief pause, "But between my team and I, we have helped hundreds of people just with the domestic violence stuff. I have no idea how many thousands of people we have helped with the other projects I mentioned."

I paused before adding, "Mostly women when it comes to domestic violence."

"I see", my therapist said, clearing his throat, "That's quite a list to be carrying in your head. Did your client, as you refer to them, provide emotional support as you performed these tasks?"

"For the things I did that involved them", I replied, "They did, but I think it was more to keep us balanced enough to keep providing solutions to them. I'm not sure that they cared enough about us as human beings."

I paused as I reflected on the help that I had received.

"And", I offered, "I think they used their emotional support to gauge whether or not we were lucid enough to not offer services to someone counter to their interests. That's a guess, though."

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what is wrong

Was I unwise to leave them open for so long - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne 

"I can't really get into details", I said, "Sorry. There's a lot more than that but that gives you a sense of what I am carrying around in my head. Maybe it's no wonder I decided to take my own Life. I've spent too much time in the heads of evil people without having someone to share it with so I could release the negative energy I've accumulated."

"I understand", he replied, gently, "Where do you want to go with this?"

"Well", I said, "I look at what's happening all around the world and in our backyard. Nobody seems to care about anything except the color of their next iPhone or what the next vacation they can't afford looks like."

I hesitated.

"A lot of people spending money they don't have on things they don't need", I said, "The banking system is close to ruin, governments have long since lost control of the bus they told us was being driven so skillfully, and the world is close to melting in a number of ways, including a nuclear disaster."

"On top of that", I added, "People in our own society are crushed as debt, violence and drugs overtake their world, while governments attempt to placate public opinion by telling them that these are the best of times. It's becoming more and more the best of times for a select few. While some government agencies promote these days as amazing, people within the same governments plan for the disaster they know will come when the rubber band that is society is stretched too far. How is that for hypocritical?"

"Do you really think that nuclear disaster is close at hand?" he asked, irritating me with the one thing he picked out, "After all, as long as the President is coherent, we will never launch first. I would like to think that the other side has similar controls in place."

I laughed at the idea of finding a coherent President who wasn't controlled by someone with ulterior motives. 

"You can't be serious", I asked, incredulously, "Do you not know that in all countries that have the bomb, there are hundreds of people in each country who have their equivalent of launch codes?"

"Really?" he asked, surprised, "Why would they take the risk?"

"Because", I said, "Redundancy is essential for assuring a military response if needed. But therein lies the complexity. Too many people can let things fly without authorization from the top."

'Cause I have wandered through this world

And as each moment has unfurled

I've been waiting to awaken from these dreams - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"So", I suggested, carefully, "The opportunity for a rogue to start a war is more real than you think. Then you factor in aging systems that are not completely stable. And then, factor in the new missile system, the LGM-35A Sentinel that is being built on IT software that will be nowhere near as tested and secure from outside hackers as the old stuff was. See where I'm going with all of this?"

Neither of us said a word, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"Can we bring the conversation back to your dreams?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Sure", I replied.

"Why do you think that you keep dreaming about this stuff over and over?" he asked, "And why do you remember all of that, but when you get to the lesson that you're supposed to take away from your dream, you don't remember that? That, I would think, is the most important part of the dream?"

"If I knew the reason", I replied, a little tartly, "I wouldn't need to talk to you about it."

He ignored my rude remark, but I felt obligated to offer an apology for my sharp answer.

"It's ok", he said, "I see that it's bothering you. There are no judgements in this room." 

People go just where they will

I never noticed them until I got this feeling

That it's later than it seems - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"I think what's bothering me", I said, "Is that nobody cares anymore. People like my colleagues and I put our own physical and mental well-being on the line for people on a daily basis, and for what?"

"Well", I added, correcting my generalization, "It's not that nobody cares. It's that not enough people care. We don't have a critical mass to change the course of society to one that honors the sense of urgency around taking care of each other. It makes me feel like I wasted my time and career saving people."

He waited for me to continue.

"Did I absorb a lot of punishment for nothing?" I asked, shaking my head, "Did a blend of my younger self, constantly seeking affirmation, and my adult self with a generous heart, lead me down this path for nothing?"

I paused.

"Did I choose to take my own Life partially out of seeing the futility of a Life of service for nothing?" I asked, my eyes misting.

"Are the women you helped better off because of your help?" he asked. 

"Most of them", I replied, "I lost a few who, for a variety of reasons, fell back into the clutches of their batterers and manipulators. Being hurt feels more comfortable for those women and causes them to trust what they knew - even violence - over someone who would help them.  For these women, kindness evokes a sense of suspicion. And some batterers are brilliant in their techniques of isolating the victim and pulling them back for more abuse. I guess I'm preaching to the choir on that. Sorry."

"Still", he said, "The majority have benefited significantly."

I half nodded, half shrugged, in silence.

"And for the times you helped thwart violence against common citizens", he added, "Don't you think they're grateful?"

"No", I replied, "They will never be grateful. They will never know the physical and emotional sacrifice made by so many people in secret so that they can continue to live their Life of happiness or ignorance. There are few public heroes in our space."

"Ignorance is bliss", he said.

"If ignorance is bliss", I responded, "Why aren't more people happy?"

My sharp response temporarily silenced both of us.

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what you see

I hear their cries

Just say if it's too late for me - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"I think the second part of your dream reveals the important answer you seek", he offered, "What we need to do is to teach you a technique that will help you remember that part of your dream. Are you willing to try something?"

"Sure", I replied, "It beats waking up every morning at 3:30 just as the big reveal is supposed to happen."

"Good", he said, reaching for a book and handing it to me.

"Lucid dreaming?" I asked.

"Yes", he replied, "I think this will help you uncover what you are suppose to receive from the people in your dream."

"And what do I do in the meantime?" I asked.

"You carried it this long", he replied, "A little longer will be ok. Patience is the key."

Patience. My nemesis. Well, one of them.

Doctor, my eyes

They cannot see the sky

Is this the prize

For having learned how not to cry - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"Try the technique outlined in this book for a week and we'll see if we can figure out what someone is trying to tell you", he said.

To be continued - hopefully with the answer.

With love,

Harry

---

Thoughts on Nuclear War

My former father-in-law, USAF Colonel Robert M. Johnston, now passed away, served in the USAF and the Strategic Air Command. I remember many a night where we would have discussions over the number of times a nuclear war was almost launched by accident. He always believed that we were alive by accident.

Daniel Ellsberg, one of the architects of nuclear detente in the 1960s based on the horror of mutually assured destruction, wrote a powerfully disturbing book in 2018. The book,  The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner, describes how we have lost control over who launches the missiles in America. It also tells the chilling story of how modern military advisors tell US presidents that a limited strike-first nuclear war is winnable, with minium casualties. All sides believe this is possible now. So one of the things that kept us alive, that no one would strike first, is off the table. Secondly, the belief that a nuclear war can be engaged and won with minimal deaths, means that it is now something that can be casually considered. 

Van Wishard, an advisor to multiple US presidents and a mentor of mine, used to tell me often that I needed to stop worrying about where the world was going in regards to nuclear war since the outcome was unavoidable and could not be stopped. Instead, he often told me that it was better to invest in helping people rise from the ashes of the inevitable. Of all the things he told me over the years, it was the only thing that I didn't receive well from him. I thought it was defeatist instead of being proactive (sorry, Van) and helping people rise from the ashes of an unsurvivable event seemed to be a contradiction to me. Maybe Van knew something that I either didn't know, or didn't want to believe.

I wonder how many US presidents have received the same type of defeatist guidance? This would have a profound impact on their decisions in times of global difficulty.

For those who like a deeper analysis of new missile systems, here is a quoted summary of the cons of deploying the LGM-35A Sentinel. Skip it if you don't like gory details or realities.

GBSD critics include former Secretary of Defense William Perry; the late Daniel Ellsberg, Pentagon Papers whistleblower and author of The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner; the Friends Committee on National Legislation (FCNL); the Union of Concerned Scientists (UCS); the Federation of American Scientists (FAS); and Peace Action. They argue that the new missiles would be not only costly, but also dangerous, increasing the risk of accidentally launching a nuclear war. Critics say that the targeting of ICBM silos, which are supposed to act like a sponge drawing nuclear weapons to deplete Russia's nuclear power, could result in the deaths of more than 10 million people. Ellsberg and author Norman Solomon argue that peace groups must oppose not only the GBSD but also the entire land-based leg of the nuclear triad to reduce the threat of an accidental nuclear war.

Physicist David Wright, former co-director of the UCS Global Security Program, in his report Rethinking Land-Based Nuclear Missiles, writes that submarine-launched ballistic missiles (SLBMs) are as accurate, if not more, than land-based missiles, and are "virtually undetectable," making the ICBMs not only obsolete but also sitting ducks in the five states that house ICBMs. Wright concludes that the vulnerability of ICBMs has prompted the Air Force to keep them on high alert, which is dangerous and could trigger a nuclear war. According to William Hartung, author of Prophets of War: Lockheed Martin and the Making of the Military-Industrial Complex, a president would have only minutes to decide whether to launch ICBMs in a crisis so that the missiles would not be destroyed in a first strike. Source.

Remember: The people who make these decisions are safe (albeit temporarily) if things "go wrong". You and your family are not.

How would you feel if you repeatedly saw the briefs for years that described in gruesome detail how your family is likely to die?  "Bleeding from every orifice in your body" is the one quote that I've never been able to forget.

How would you feel if you read the summaries that inform you that your family is better dying instantly than being left to survive the aftermath?

Would you be able to take care of your family knowing that in our just-in-time supply delivery system, every major city would be reduced to anarchy in 48-72 hours, with limited fuel and food and no electricity, natural gas or running water? 

Do you think you could absorb this information for years without doubting your sanity?

If you're not bothered at all by these questions, you are maybe one of the people that my colleagues question are worth saving. How does that make you feel? 

Governments don't share the truth either. It doesn't promote minion productivity if you know realities.

If you are bothered, what do you need to do?

Who do you need to speak to?

When?

How about now?

Thoughts on Domestic Violence

Domestic violence continues to grow throughout North America. People think of bruises, broken bones and the like.

Modern domestic violence is more insidious because much of it is invisible. Emotional and financial abuse is rampant in society, and yet the courts are reluctant to do much if anything about offering more protection to victims.

There are a lot of talking heads with "amazing" analysis, with their egos screaming about their expertise about nothing of value except their own self-promotion on the subject.

There are a few people who actually know what they are talking about and they need to receive the same, if not more attention than people paid tens of millions of dollars to play a sport.

Maybe people in the judicial system haven't been personally affected by domestic violence and so they don't have the same motivation to fix the system.

Maybe some of them have secrets.

I know government ministers who have committed egregious sins against colleagues. I have tangled with some of them in the past. They lost. 

I know people who are abusing victims while the miscreant is in jail. It's easier than you think to accomplish this.

If someone close to you were a victim of domestic violence, you would do whatever was in your power to protect them.

Maybe someone close to you is a victim and you don't know it.

And if you're someone who commits violence, justice will eventually find you. If you knew the surveillance programs being developed to identify you, you would realize this.

But that would be the stuff of Big Brother conspiracy, wouldn't it? 

Do you believe that violence against women is ok?

Of course you don't.

So rather than shake your head about it, why don't you help myself and others bell the cat in the system?

Victims are waiting ... desperately.

What are you waiting for?

Lessons on Mental Health

Many times in my Life, my younger self needed to be affirmed as a hero, saving others. My adult self needed to never leave someone in distress. This often created great complexity for me. Too many times I cared more about people's safety and well-being than they did, and I often spent many multiples of effort more than they did to save themselves. I absorbed a lot of stress doing this and sometimes, when feeling great pressure from the imbalance, withstood extra punishment and accusations of "abandonment" when I tried to free myself from the harmful, out-of-balance relationships.

If you ever find yourself caring more about someone's health than they do, I urge caution. If you absorb the level of pressure that I did, for as many times as I did, you may end up creating health issues for yourself. Many times the people you are trying to help will not be aware of the stress you are under, or won't care about it. Either way, make sure you protect yourself before taking on this complexity.

I didn't pay attention to it and it added significant stress to my Life.

Sometimes kindness kills the healer.

Don't let this happen to you. 

At what point does lifting others take priority over your own health?

Is it healthy to be a martyr some of the time? 

How about all of the time?

How about none of the time?

Who determines the difference between a saint and a martyr?

How do you know?

Thoughts on the Energy in this Post

Some people reading this post may sense an undertone of anger. One of the things that I have let go in my therapy is judgement and anger requires judgement.

However, for a species that is allegedly at the apex of its evolution, we are at risk of descending to the absolute bottom of our evolutionary potential. Meanwhile, people suffer unnecessarily, incessantly and unfairly.

So what you may interpret as a sense of anger is actually a sense of extreme urgency for people to step up and collaborate to pull us from the brink in all the areas where we are failing. We must also do a much better job of holding public officials accountable for our safety on a global scale.

I think you, your family, your friends and everyone important to you and to the world are worth it.

What do you think?

What are you waiting for?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 7.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?

The great Jackson Browne with Doctor My Eye.